Episode Two – Excuses Damned Excuses

The Disgruntled Life Coach Podcast, Episode Two.

Hello and welcome back to the Disgruntled Life Coach podcast - you're listening to episode Two – Excuses Damned Excuses. Before we get into it, I just want to say something actually important. Now more than ever, the arts need your help. So, when you're done listening to this podcast, go to your favourite Canadian musicians’ website and buy some music - even if you already have it. You can afford to do this one little thing, and it's the right thing to do. Don't forget Pillar #7 - Don't be Self-centred. Also, Don't be a dick - musicians really need your help.

Now, today, we'll talk about pillar # one of my foundation to a better disgruntled life - Don't Make Excuses. The main segment will focus on the the different, stupid reasons we make excuses, the types of excuses, and how we can find a better way to get through the mistakes that you will, always and forever, be making. I'm not judging you, I'm just, oh fuck it, I'm totally judging you. Also, of course, we'll end with a disgruntled nugget of wisdom. So let’s get started.

So, to start I want to put some perspective on the subject by reviewing what past thinkers have put forward as a critique of excuses. Spoiler alert, excuses are always a shitty idea, but you need to know.

Firstly, what would an historical quotation fest be without George Washington. He was quoted as saying: “It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” I think he then went on to say that they're ALL bad, off mic of course, but I can't confirm, and if he didn't, he should have. Interestingly, at the same drinking binge, his good friend and over-sized beanie-baby Benjamin Franklin said of excuses: “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” I think that's somewhat harsh, but to be fair that was said at a time long before drummers, so we'll give him a break on that one.

Finally, we're going to fast forward to a quotation from Jordan Belfort. You'll know him as an author and former stock broker convicted of felony fraud and related crimes in connection with stock-market scams, famously portrayed as the Wolf of Wall Street. Now he's a motivational speaker, I mean, the mind fucking boggles! Still, this white, rich, criminal, total ass-hat, trash actually said a clever thing once - it makes me cling to the hope that we all have that one great thought in us. He said: “The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.” Although I realize the source is iffy at best, at least we know that's code for making excuses for your own failure, and that's the leaping off point for this episode.

So, let's start at the beginning. What is an excuse? According to the dictionary it is a verb that means “attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offence); to seek to defend or justify.” The key words there are Fault or Offence - we'll get to the “lessen the blame” part a bit later. What that means is that something you did, or didn't do, was not what you should have done, or, you know, had not done. And, hey, we all fuck up from time to time, we make bad choices, we listen to podcasts when we should be doing something else, I could go on. The key here is, when you screw the pooch, just say so. If you're not going to make it home from the patio before dinner, pick up a phone and call. This has been possible since AT LEAST the 1930's because I just watched and old Walton's episode and They-Had-Phones. Step up and get ahead of your stupid.

So, you'll notice that I broke down the reason you make excuses into two separate categories: excuses for what you did and excuses for what you didn't do. And here's the thing, no one pillar of better disgruntled living exists in isolation, there is always intersectionality. I love to say that because it's where two or more things intersect and it has seven syllables - seven! So what are looking at here for intersection? If you had a task, even a minor one, like phoning to make an appointment to get your mother's ridiculous Smart Car serviced, and then you don't, you need to look at pillar six - don't ask others to do what you don't want to do. It's lazy to have someone else call, you said you would do it, and it's not even difficult for gawd's sake. Make the call. Did you forget? Remember George said "it's better to offer no excuse than to be a self-absorbed idiot." Okay, I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point.

The second part of this is more complicated, because it means that you did something that you were either specifically not supposed to do, or you did something that you suspected you should NOT do. Either way, you crossed a line. This could intersect with pillar 7 - don't be self-centred because, obviously you only thought of yourself when you bought your THIRD FUCKING iPHONE this month. Geez - are you made of money? Also see pillar number 5 - don't be a dick. If you sort of thought that maybe you weren't supposed to do something, and you did it anyway, your a second-class dick. If you KNEW you weren't to do a specific thing and you did that thing - first class all day long. And either way, there is no explanation that you can provide, none, zero, nada. Putting forward any excuse at this point is like wrapping scotch tape around your leaking garden hose, and, yeah, I saw you actually try that - shaking my damn head.

I'm not going to dwell too much more on the screw-up portion of this except to say this. If you make a lame-ass excuse to make yourself look less shitty, that's just like ducking when someone throws a boot at you - it's reflex. You still shouldn’t do it, but we've all been there, and you just want some dinner. Really. But, if you make an excuse to make someone ELSE look shittier than you, that's not an excuse, that's just being a trash human being. Sure, there are degrees, but holy hell batman, throwing some under the bus is just weak, and it makes you look bad, and I'm pretty sure it causes brain damage, and if it doesn't it should. Don't do this. Just don't.

So, I'm kind of done beating on you now, so let's look at solutions and, yes, surprise-fucking-surprise, I have some. Three in fact. I look at excuses as a gateway drug to stupidity, but you can get of that dependency if you try. I mean, if you make a lot of excuses, and you think you're getting away with it, it makes you think the world is your goddamn oyster. In reality, everyone sees you as a liar, because you will always get caught. So you need to stop your excuse dependency.

Here are the Disgruntled Life Coach's three simple rules to break that excuse cycle.

One - just get shit done. Really. Instead of trying to make up flat tire stories, or alien abduction stories, or truly idiotic "My cell phone ran out of juice" stories, just get shit done. Need to call the garage for an appointment - pick up one of your friggin' iPhones (hint: they're ALL charged) and make the call. Need to pick up a new hose at the hardware store, go pick up a hose. This is literally the easiest way to not have to make excuses. If you're supposed to do something, then just do that thing. And I made this rule super-simple because I'm really getting to know my audience here. Just get shit done.

Two - own your screw-ups like a badge of courage. We both know that you will never be perfect, and you will continue to always screw shit up, just like the sun rises in the North. So, when you make a mistake, be the first to say that's what happened. And, really, go a step further - tell everyone involved exactly what you did - or didn't do - and include a plan to make it work. Now, you're not a screw up anymore - you're a goddamn project manager! I mean really, if you just own your mistakes, you can turn them into accomplishments overnight. Another spoiler alert, like you didn't see this one coming, this works at work too. I mean, don't try it too often, because it still means you have screw something up, and that's NEVER a habit you want to hit on to often. But, if it happens, and we know it will, own it.

Three - Involve other people if you need to. Seriously, just talk to people. Other people screw up too, and everyone knows how it works. But if something is going off the rails, and it has something to do with you doing - or not doing - something, just get someone to pull you out of the ditch. No man is an island, or an archipelago or an atoll for that matter, but you don't have to carry this alone. Get some help, own the problem (see number two) and move forward to get shit done (see number one). We, once again, attain intersectionality – and now I'm filled with joy, or something. 

Okay, so that's it for this episode. As always, I'll leave you with a Disgruntled nugget in a second, but first I want to thank you for listening. Remember to subscribe to this podcast, I’m  now on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and Spotify, and please visit www.disgruntledlifecoach.ca for all my podcasts. Please also follow me on twitter @lifedisgruntled, there's a link on my website. And if you visit my website, there's a link at the top where you can buy me a coffee - go ahead, make my day. If you like what you've heard today, tell your friends. If you think this is ridiculous, still, tell your friends, I mean how hard is that.

Disgruntled Nugget

It would be a good thing to find comfort and strength in these words, and to use that as a foundation to build upon. But words suck as a foundation material, and your building will collapse on you, and probably hurt your puppy. So build a foundation on, you know, concrete or some shit, but at the very least let words guide you, not like, in a specific direction, you know, like a compass, but more like a heat seeking missile, or something, where the heat is honesty, yeah, that's it. Honesty heat-seeking missile guidance words. That's what you should take from this.

Again, thanks for listening, and thanks also to Audionautix and Partners in Rhyme for music and sound FX, thanks again to Neatnik for visuals, and thanks for your patience - see you in two weeks, or not, whatever...