Disgruntled Life Coach Podcast

Episode Three – Rude Makes You Weak

March 11, 2021 Coach Raoul Season 1 Episode 3
Disgruntled Life Coach Podcast
Episode Three – Rude Makes You Weak
Show Notes Transcript

In this third episode of the Disgruntled Life Coach Podcast, we’re going to discuss rudeness, why people are rude, what makes you rude, and how to react to rudeness to stop this cycle. This episode will start off with quotations, as usual, then the main segment will focus on Pillar #2 – Don’t Be Rude, and we’ll finish off with a Disgruntled Nugget – a little piece of wisdom you can take with you, or not, I don’t care. Also thx to Audionautix and Partners In Rhyme for the music and sound effects.

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The Disgruntled Life Coach Podcast, Episode 3.

Hello and welcome to this episode of the Disgruntled Life Coach. Before we get started I just want to thank all you friggin’ English scholars out there for pointing out that the word "Excuse" is both a verb –  as I mentioned in the last episode –  and a noun, which I did not mention. Although only barely helpful at all, it was great to get the feedback. So please, if you feel the need to correct my word choices in future, I’m truly thrilled to hear from you, so please feel free to email coach@disgruntedlifecoach.ca - but a bit of a caveat here, don't be surprised if I take a bit of time to respond to you. I'm currently working on about a 10 year backlog on correspondence, so your patience is appreciated, or not, I don't care. But really, reach out. I'm listening.

So, on to the Rudeness episode, and have I got some shit in store for you today. We'll start out as we always do with a look at some seminal quotes about rudeness for some context, then we'll talk about how to stop being rude and having it ruin your life, any more than it is now.

In this episode, I will dispense with the OED definition of rudeness, instead we’ll get right to the meat. The first quotation is by F. Scott Fitzgerald and is, possibly, though not for certain, something that he did not steal from his wife Zelda. He said: “It's not a slam at you when people are rude, it's a slam at the people they've met before.” This is an important message, and we’ll circle around to it later, even though Scotty was, in every way, a dick and quite possibly, one of those “...people they’ve met before.” 

Next, we have the late great science fiction author Robert A. Heinlein who said “A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for others in minor matters. A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot.” So, it seems like we’re dying, but maybe a glimmer of hope? Nah, we’re maggot food.

Lastly, we have a much more mid-century quotation by the self-proclaimed American moral and social philosopher – whatever that is –  Eric Hoffer. He said “Rudeness luxuriates in the absence of self-respect,” and then later went on to say “Rudeness is a weak imitation of strength.” Both have relevance to us, even though, despite his Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1983, the man himself remains largely forgotten. Luckily we have modern  storage devices to help our feeble society to remember! But it is these last two quotations about the absence of self-respect and inherent weakness as the cause of much of our society’s plague of rudeness and where we begin our journey.

Now, just like cheating at elections, there's more than one way to be rude. Ignoring someone quietly – even thought that person is really just trying to get you to read an unsolicited magazine – can be just as rude as insulting them to their face, so we first need to understand that rudeness can be both passive and active. Speaking calmly and measured, but about a subject that you absolutely know is upsetting to someone is also rude. And when I talk about this, people often respond – and by often I mean once –  by asking what the difference is between being a dick and being rude: and that's an excellent question.

There is a lot of overlap here, to be sure, but being rude almost always involves some sort of specific attempt to piss someone off, and that's not always the case with being a dick. Also, please, don't be a dick. So let's break down the ways we're rude.

Let's first look at what I call reactionary rudeness. That's when someone is rude to you, so your first instinct, of course, it to let loose with a rude quick response. This entire eye-for-an-eye thing never works out, and it almost always ends any possibility that maybe, just maybe, there is common ground. That gets burnt to the sand like the banana stand in Arrested Development, so even if you win the war of wits, you still loose.

Even worse than reactionary rudeness is initiated rudeness. That's where you decide, right out of the blue, probably without consulting your astral psychic and herpes therapist, that whatever else you need to do today, you at least possess the opportunity to ruin someone else's perfectly fine day. Why? Because you're not thinking about consequences and you're acting like a 2-year-old with shitty diapers. This is not the way to make friends and influence people. This, also, is extremely self-centred, and we'll talk about that and Pillar #7 in due time, but I have a hunch that you already know where I'm going with this. Wow, so clever.

Lastly, let's talk about the passive rudeness, where you either sound polite but you're shit talking, or you're outright ignoring someone. There are times when this is actually a reasonable action, like when Bell keeps trying to call and you have way better things to do than talk to Bell, like pick your nose or, you know, read a pseudo-religious magazine. But for the rest of the humans who exist in proximity your awesome presence, just a quick acknowledgement that you heard them and that you're just not interested in whatever they’re selling or whatever the subject is. It's called civility, which is also a fucking noun, FYI.

So, this disrespect that festers at the root of rudeness, this transgression of accepted social norms – is there anything to be done about this? The Disgruntled Life Coach says, you're goddamned right there is. In fact, there are several things. To be honest, the list is extraordinarily long, so I'll save a few key points for some other pillars later on – they like to share and we can reuse some of these key points over time. It’s sort of a philosophical reduce-reuse-recycle if you will. You know, like lining your bird cage with crappy, free, unsolicited, pseudo-religious reading material, but only metaphorically speaking. So let's look at the DLC rudeness deterrent short list.

Firstly, you must treat rudeness like a bad dad joke. Don't laugh at it, don't repeat it, and just let it fall to the ground like a stinking blob of pigeon shit. It's toxic, and responding to rudeness with rudeness creates an echo-chamber that amplifies. Former Forbes contributor, prolific author and cute-as-a-Muppet serial entrepreneur Deep Patel refers to this as "The spiral of Rudeness" and I think that's a good descriptor. You need to control yourself, even if that person initiating the rude behaviour is being a dick. Try to limit your exposure to that person at that moment, or going forward if you must, and keep your oh-so-clever witty comebacks to write in your journal later. Stop the spiral before you get caught up in the vortex.

The second point may sound counter-intuitive, but it's really not. Often rudeness takes on a personal perspective – like an insult – but you have realize that's it's not really personal. This is someone lashing out and the rudeness is just that person's bad day getting sprayed back at you. Don't get caught up – it's not about you. Also, realize you have absolutely no friggin’ idea what that rude person is going through in their own life. Maybe they have bratty kids, or just learned they contracted herpes, or maybe they didn't scatter their required quota of shitty magazines on the weekend. You don't know – so don't make their day, and your day, worse. In fact, go the other way, say something kind. That will never hurt. Really, it won't. Not like shingles hurts anyway.

Finally, don't be the ass-hat who starts the shit tornado. When you think that something is not going your way, and there's someone in front of you that looks like a great target, try being kind. Look, I know it was shock to learn about that herpes thing, but the kid working at the drive-thru didn't have anything to do with it, and their job already sucks. Please know that how you treat others is the way others will those around them, and so on. Get off this angry-clown carousel and be an actual, real-life role model. The shittier your day, the nicer you should be to people, because treating people badly when things are screwed up does not, magically, un-screw things – that buzzard-laden, stinking garbage scow that is your shitty life has already left the dock. So, walk confidently with empathy and kindness. And, I know, I can actually hear you rolling your eyes into your head at that cringey Hallmark card statement, but inside you know I'm making sense. That’s why I'm a fucking life coach and you're, you know, not.

One quick final note – all of this is even more important in the workplace. I know the workplace right now is just you dressed in your flannel spider-man onesie and bunny slippers because of the pandemic, but it still applies. If you're a manager or supervisor, being a good and strong leader does not include rudeness – ever. This is where you really need to be that moral leader and role model. If you're an employee, just know that someone you work with has shit going on in their life, and just take the high road every time. As a bonus, this could actually help you to get your work done, and who on this planet doesn't want that? And if you happen to be the one with shit going on, isn't it nicer when people aren't picking on you all the time? Really, it works both ways, but I don't have to tell you that, do I?

Okay, so that's it for this episode. As always, I'll leave you with a Disgruntled nugget in a second, but first I want to thank you for listening. Remember to subscribe to this podcast, I’m on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms, and please visit www.disgruntledlifecoach.ca for all my podcasts – and yes, you need the GD w-w-w. Please also follow me on twitter @lifedisgruntled, there's a link on my website. While at my website, look for the link at the top where you can buy me a coffee and, you know, buy me a friggin’ coffee. If you like what you've heard today, tell your friends. If you think this is ridiculous, still, tell your friends, I mean how hard is that.

Disgruntled Nugget

It's always best to think of what the other person is going through, to walk a mile in those shoes, or, you know, boots or whatever. Footwear. Walk a mile in their footwear. Or, like they say in Europe, walk a kilometre in their footwear. Or, like they say in Canada, walk 20 minutes in their footwear. Whatever, just, you know, have some friggin' empathy, that's all. Thoughtful footwear walking empathy is the point here, or whatever.

Again, thanks for listening, and thanks also to Audionautix and Partners in Rhyme for music and sound FX, thanks again to Neatnik for visuals, thanks to awesome supporters for the new microphone, and thanks for your patience - see you in two weeks, or not, whatever...