Episode Four – Tools Rush In

The Disgruntled Life Coach Podcast, Episode Four.

Before we start, I just want to acknowledge some listeners to this podcast. Two in particular, one from Malkajgiri in India and one from the Clichy area of Paris France who have listened to all my podcasts so far. I also want to say hello to listeners from Botswana, Sao Paulo Brazil, upstate New York and Colorado for tuning in. And of course, all of you from Edmonton and Calgary, and everyone from Ontario and Quebec – you’re my peeps - thanks for listening. I’m humbled. Still fucking disgruntled, but also humbled.

In this episode, we’re talking about not being in a rush, and how to stop this clown car from rolling into the spotlight in the first place. Being in a hurry isn’t, in and of itself, the issue – it’s that it makes you selfish, it causes you make excuses for being late, and sometimes it makes you a dick. Also, please, don’t be a dick. We’re going to discuss these related issues of your shitty planning, and how to fix it, but first, let’s go the the disgruntled wheel of quotations.

Firstly, according to the OED, rush is a noun and describes a situation in which you have to hurry or move somewhere quickly. It’s also a verb that means to (cause to) go or do something very quickly. Hope you’re happy with that dual definition drummer man, holy shit!

Alexander Pope - one of the greatest English poets and the second-most quoted writer in English, according to The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations - like that's some kind of a goddamn badge of honour - wrote the well-known phrase “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” This is very important to this episode even though I would never call you a fool, to your face, on a Monday. Or, you know, I absolutely would. Also, Don’t ask me who the most quoted writer is, I don’t own the book. If you do, let me know, or not, I don’t care.

Secondly, and to really drive home the hell-in-a-handcart message, Brazilian lyricist, novelist and author of The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho (pow-low quay-low) said: “Life moves very fast. It rushes from Heaven to Hell in a matter of seconds.” If you’ve ever drifted your shit-brown Chrysler K-car into a snow bank because you didn’t see the black ice, you’ll be able to relate to the speed of this. Not sure where the Heaven fits in to that scenario, but you know, work with me.

And finally, on the other side  of the coin, Lao Tzu the ancient Chinese philosopher, writer and, possibly, author of the Tao Te Ching – the foundation of Taoism - wrote “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” This a stark difference to the negative aspects of rushing already mentioned, and it’s because I’ve had enough coffee to feel a bit of a buzz today, so I thought I would give you something positive, but don’t get too fuckin’ comfortable, because now we’ll look at the foolish part of the rushing lifestyle.

So, I gotta be honest with you: just being in a rush is not that big of a problem. Doing things quickly can be smart and efficient, like stuffing clowns into wooden crates and pushing them overboard. But the problem is when you rush around without reason, or a plan, and it causes you to be late, make excuses, ask others to do things you don’t want to do, and act like a dick. Even Aristotle, the pillar of logical thinking, said “The action that follows deliberation should be quick, but deliberation should be slow.” So let’s explore the painful side of being in a rush before returning to the Aristotle quote to make sense of your flawed reasoning.

So, last time you were late, and you were weaving in and out of traffic in your rusted piece-of-shit Reliant K, you were actually a potential hazard, like, more than you usually are like the IROC Intersection incident. So, in your K-car, you were insulting people who were, in real life, driving like actual humans, and you made your problem something they had to pay attention to, like that herpes outbreak on your upper lip. This is just you both being rude, and being self-centred – see pillar #2 and # 7 – and you need to take a step back from this - and also, maybe dab some Abreva on that open wound on your lip, jesus christ!

And speaking of being a dick, well we weren't, but we are now, making comments about individuals in front of you in a lineup at the post-office, ice cream stand, or STD clinic is just you being a shitty human being. I don’t care how late you are to test drive that used Cordoba  – Corinthian leather or not – just wait your fucking turn. Telling others they’re taking to long because you have no concept of the actual passage of time, or even the depth of your own assholery, is not the way to a longer, happier life. But really, it’s time to own your assholery, seriously, past time.

And, lastly, being lazy at work and passing the buck to your co-workers at the last minute because you were too busy looking up the blue-book value of your rusted shitbox car is just poor form. And hint, your car is worth about the same as the prescription for penicillin that you got for the clinic – ballpark figure. Getting others to do your work because you think you can multitask is, as already mentioned, part of your magnificent, multi-dimensional and slightly delusional world view. So speaking of this related douchebaggery, is there anything that can be done? Well, as always, you’re goddamn right there is!

Ask yourself “Why do I rush?” The first answer is that you’re shitty at planning. It’s that simple. Why were you driving like a serial killer in traffic when you were late? Bad Planning. Why were insulting the nurse at the free clinic for being so slow? Bad planning. And, seriously, this is the easiest thing to fix. If you know how long it takes to get something done, and you know how a fucking clock and a calendar work, we’re done. If you have to enter items into a calendar app on your phone to make sense of it, do that. If you need to carry around a physical appointment book like it’s still last goddamn century, do that. Whatever you need to do to organize your time, just accept it. I’m not asking for you to fly the space shuttle, as if you ever could, I’m just saying, plan ahead, write it down, follow your own stupid schedule.

Another reason you are always such a huge disappointment to others is more complicated, and it comes down to you trying not to be a disappointment. Strange right? What I mean by that is you’re doing too much , or trying to, and you don’t have the capacity. Remember as kid when you were asked to eat you veggies and you said “no”. That was more just you being a dick before you knew what that was, but as an adult, or old enough to be called one, there is sound reason for saying no, and, you should employ that word more until you unscrew your tattered life. If you don’t have time to be on that committee, say no. If your weekends are already too full because that’s when you glue your fucking car back together, say no to helping out at the charity kissing booth – which you should with that sucking wound on your lip anyway. But still, take on fewer projects that you don’t need, and build back some semblance of an ordered life. When you get better at that, or if, then add stuff back. But use “no” a little bit more. Honestly, we won’t miss you that much anyway.

Finally, let’s take on your mythological multi-tasking abilities. I know you think you can bid on that Cordoba online, import data into your poorly organized spreadsheet at work, and set up your appointment at the free clinic – all at the same time, but you are living a lie. A landmark study, based on research by scholars Rubinstein, Meyer, and Evans, and published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology in 2001, explored multitasking. It found that only about 2 percent of the population are, what they referred to as, super-threaders – individuals who were more efficient at doing more than one task threaded with another. It’s safe to say if you’re listening to this fucking podcast you are well outside of that group. Instead, you would be part of the remaining group who were, on average, 40 percent less efficient at every task attempted while trying to multitask. In addition, and as renowned neuropsychologist Cynthia Kubu states: “We’re really wired to be monotaskers” and she then goes on to say “When we think we’re multitasking, most often we aren’t really doing two things at once, but instead, we’re doing individual actions in rapid succession, or task-switching.” So stop this – do one thing, get it done, completely and thoroughly, and then do the next task. You will be much more efficient, and maybe you’ll even have a bit of spare time, to, you know, waste on reruns of Murder she Wrote or whatever. It’s your life.

Okay, so that's it for this episode. As always, I'll leave you with a Disgruntled nugget in a second, but first I want to thank you for listening. Remember to subscribe to this podcast, I’m on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify iHeartRadio and other platforms, and please visit www.disgruntledlifecoach.ca for all my podcasts – yes fucking w-w-w. Please also follow me on twitter @lifedisgruntled, there's a link on my website. And ignore my link to buy me a coffee because, you know, no one wants to buy me a goddamn coffee, so screw that. Or, you could be the first, but I’m not holding my friggin’ breath, just sayin’. Also, if you like what you've heard today, tell your friends. If you think this is ridiculous, still, tell your friends, I mean how hard is that.

Disgruntled Nugget

When you're feeling hopeless like things really aren't working out, remember, they say it's always darkest before the dawn. Now, actually, that's bullshit because the moon phases and reflected light can change light and dark throughout the night. It's more true to say that it’s always COLDEST before the dawn, but still not always true, especially if a cold front moved in overnight, or it rained. What is true is that, you know, there's hope that it will be brighter. So yeah, brighter, possibly warmer, but less dark or something before, whenever, I don't know.

Again, thanks for listening, and thanks also to Audionautix and Partners in Rhyme for music and sound FX, thanks again to Neatnik for visuals, and thanks for your patience - see you in two weeks, or not, whatever...