Episode Eight – Me, My Selfishness, And I

I just want to thank all my podcast regulars for staying with me and listening to this show. Calgary, Edmonton, throughout Ontario and Quebec, and even in France - yes you in Paris - Merci! I get pretty excited when I see that you're listening, and it makes the work I put into these shows all worth it. It's almost like I'm not just talking to myself, which I also do by the way, but someone has to answer those voices. Still, thanks, and stick around. Tell your friends too, I'll mention them in a podcast if you want. Just email coach@disgruntledlifecoach.ca and say hello. If you give me your postal information, I'll send you some stickers too! But really, just thanks.

In this episode, we’re talking about the last pillar - pillar #7 - don't be self-centred. Now, this is not as simple as it seems, and not all selfishness is bad - we'll get to that later. Also, the terms selfish and self-centred will be used interchangeably a lot, even though they are slightly different things. Maybe we'll talk about that nuance in a later episode, but we'll stick to this definition for this episode. So to begin, let's take a tumble through the bramble of selfish and self-centred quotations.

Firstly though, according to the dictionary, selfish is defined as “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.” Contrast that with self-centred, which is defined as "limited to or caring only about yourself and your own needs." So you can see the difference is there, just like shades of aubergine, or, you know, purple, or whatever.

Our first quote comes from Mary Ann Evans better known by her pen name George Eliot. She was an English novelist, poet, journalist, translator and one of the leading writers of the Victorian era and said: “Selfish — a judgment readily passed by those who have never tested their own power of sacrifice.” And, yeah, she actually does know what sacrifice means, as woman, writing under a male pseudonym, in Victorian England. But she puts selfishness in an interesting context here.

Next, we have the rantings, um, I mean thoughts, of miracle mini-nun Mother Teresa, or as they call her in some circles, Saint Teresa of Calcutta, or something - I think it gets lost in translation. Anyway, she says: “People are unrealistic, illogical, and self-centred. Love them anyway.” And, she's right, kind of, except not every unrealistic, self-centred, illogical dope - like Joe fucking Rogan for instance, is lovable, just sayin’...

Finally, we have Albert Einstein, widely acknowledged to be one of the greatest physicists of all time and founder of the international pornographers' moustache club. He was quoted as saying: "A life directed chiefly toward the fulfillment of personal desires will sooner or later always lead to bitter disappointment." He was a pretty upbeat guy to come up with such a dire quotation, but hey, he did give us nuclear bombs, so yay for that, I guess. Talk about your bitter disappointments.

So, when we talk about being selfish, we all formulate, in our minds, a specific act or personality trait. But the problem is that thinking of ourselves first is also a key part of human survival. This is where the lines blur a bit. Like, is it still macaroni and cheese when you put greens and tomatoes in, or is it a casserole? For example, when you put your oxygen mask on in a crashing plane before you put the mask on your snotty screaming brat, that's selfish, but it needs to be that way for you to survive. Spoiler alert, you won't, but you get the prize for following the rules. Still, self preservation has the word "self" right in there. So does self-care and self-awareness - these are all good things to be self-centred about. If you're not taking care of yourself, then you're not any good to anyone, even, ironically, yourself.

But here's where we cross the line. There are times when you choose to do something that helps you, but hurts someone else. And, often, the act we're talking is discretionary, it didn't have to take place until you made it happen. This is where we fall into the selfish zone. Sometimes it's just to get a thing that you want, but don't necessarily need. Other times it's just looking for recognition and advancement at work or in social circles, usually that you don’t deserve or didn’t earn. Often, it's just plain greed in a manila envelope. Like Harry S. Truman said: “Selfishness and greed, individual or national, cause most of our troubles.” He wasn't wrong, although he was a bit of a dick and did ruin lives with all that McCarthyism crap, but hey, it was a different time. Also, please, don't be a dick.

Strangely, more and more, the runaway wealth of a few misers in the world is being applauded even though this is the very example of the selfish and hurtful behaviour that we're talking about. It's become a cult of capitalism, in a way. A path partly paved by highly over-rated writer and slimy puddle of pseudo-intellectual protoplasmic feces containing, possibly, some distant trace of human DNA - Ayn Rand - who began the objectivist movement which, unsurprisingly, has it's roots firmly planted in selfish soil fertilized by capitalist greed and watered with exclusionary social castes. She was a hoot at parties though, said not one fucking person, ever. If you follow her pseudo-doctrine of self-centred existence, maybe you should reexamine your choices. Have the cheeseburger instead.

On the other hand, logically speaking, you would think that the idea of simply balancing your selfish tendencies might be the answer – you know, be just selfish enough, but don’t hurt anyone. Dr. Jeremy Sherman, a social science writer and researcher with a Ph.D. in evolutionary epistemology – yes I’m saying that pretending as if I know that it’s even a thing – says: “Still, we know that selfishness, at the extreme, is a real problem, perhaps the greatest problem humanity faces, the life-sucking greed-engines created by psychopathic dictators, for example. So somehow between natural self-ishness and the evils of extreme selfishness we need to draw a line that shouldn’t be crossed.” We’ll get back to crossing lines later.

So, sure, selfishness is bad and we’re supposed to know that we shouldn’t be that way, but we still do because it doesn’t actually hurt us, right? Well, that’s wrong too. Dr. Michael McGee, a board certified Psychiatrist in California with extensive experience in addictions treatment and general adult psychiatry, says: "Being self-centred is costly. It is at the root of many psychiatric illnesses, including addiction, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, and depression. Self-contentedness damages relationships, because self-ruminations rob you of the capacity to tune into and attend to others. You cannot be empathetic. It is a vicious cycle, because the anxiety that drives negative self-centred ruminations causes more anxiety." Remember, we’ve talked about the importance of empathy in previous episodes, like you even listened, Chris, but it’s the key to a better existence, says me, and I’m a fucking life coach.

So let’s figure out what you need to do before the whole road trip goes sideways. I have some ideas.

The first thing to realize is that you really need to start being more aware of what your values are. Don’t do it casually just by saying something that you think you probably believe like, “yeah, violence is shitty”. This isn’t the depth of awareness were talking about. Dig a bit deeper Ask: What personality traits do you want to see in your friends, because inside that’s what you expect out of yourself too, but you may not be delivering. That’s not an insult, it’s a starting place. The insult is, really, you have a ragtime playlist on spotify? But seriously, you have to know where your lines are drawn, and you have to start meeting those criteria yourself.

Once you have your lines in the sand, prioritize those values because they don’t all have the same weight, just like cantaloupes. Make sure the things that are rewarding to both you and those around you are near the top, and your greed for Jeff Bezos-like run-away wealth is at the bottom of the list. Plus, rockets, kind of overcompensating like that Musk guy, am I right? But I digress. What you need to do is list those values, understand why you have them, and learn how to let them be a road map to being a better person and a better friend. Deep, right? Shit I’m drowning in two feet of water here.

And, really, you can start from what we talked about in the last podcast, the golden rule. I’ve been trying to get you to realize the power of empathy with every podcast, but it really fits in perfectly here. Be kind to others, actually listen when they talk, be ready to give up some stuff. And, no, I’m not asking you to support a charity be selling your prized antique rectal thermometer collection – although, really? – just give up some time and maybe put in a bit of effort. You know that you want other people to pay attention to you, this road starts with you doing a bit of the opposite of that. It’s an easy and simple place to start.

And, finally, it’s important to really take stock of what you do with and to the people around you, and try to find out if it’s more for you than for them, and especially if someone is getting the short end of the stick. If you’ve made selfishness just part of your daily routine, like wearing day-old underwear and eating yogourt out of the container, you may not see the self-centred attitudes, acts and words. Focus on these and, if they are selfishness-motivated habits, start to change them. You’ll never be perfect, that’s why you’re listening to this fucking podcast, but you can be better. So, be better.

Okay, so that's it for this episode. As always, I'll leave you with a Disgruntled nugget in a second, but first I want to thank you for listening. Remember to subscribe to this podcast, I’m on Apple and Google Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeartRadio and other platforms, and please visit www.disgruntledlifecoach.ca for all my podcasts – www, jesus christ, just use it and don’t give me a hard time. Please also follow me on twitter @lifedisgruntled, there's a link on my website and, if you DM me your address, I’ll send you a sticker or two. Also, if you like what you've heard today, tell your friends. If you think this is ridiculous, still, tell your friends, I mean how hard is that. 

Disgruntled Nugget.

It is wise to consider the sage words that "All good things come to those who wait." However, if "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise, then why should we worry about those good things coming because haste makes waste, and wanting to go to bed early is like time and tide waiting for no man, or something, I don't know, whatever...

Closing

Again, thanks for listening, and thanks also to Audionautix and Partners in Rhyme for music and sound FX, thanks again to Neatnik for visuals, and thanks for your patience - see you in two weeks, or not, whatever...